Fat? Try a spot of arsenic and wash it down with alcohol

According to the health police we're all going to obese and/or dead by the middle of next week. So it’s probably about time we went on a collective diet. Take your pick from the list below - all are tried and tested but whether any of them work or not is anybody's guess.

The alcohol diet
In the 11th century, William the Conquerer became too fat to ride his horse. So to lose weight he took to his bed and went on an alcohol-only diet. Sounds like a plan.

The arsenic and strychnine diet
Yes, that would work - it’s hard to eat when you’re dead. Arsenic, strychnine and washing soda were among the common ingredients in dieting products of the 1890s.

The grapefruit diet
Also known as the Hollywood Diet, this was created in the 1930s and allowed dieters to eat only grapefruit, hard-boiled eggs, green vegetables and - to glam it up a bit- melba toast.

The mineral oil diet
In the 1940s, some bright spark decided to promote indigestible mineral oils as an alternative to olive oil since it merely passes through the system. But mineral oil doesn’t just tippy-toe through – it bludgeons its way through the system with lots of mess and disturbance. Dieters experienced all sorts of nasty symptoms such as wind, bloating and diarrhoea.

The clock-watchers’ diet
Diet gurus in the 1970s instigated a weight loss plan that imposed rigid guidelines on which foods should be eaten when. Before noon the dieter could eat nothing but fruit and during the remaining hours, proteins and carbohydrates were never to be eaten at the same time. This was misguided for two reasons: a) some foods (such as pulses) contain both proteins and carbohydrates, and b) our bodies can’t tell the time.

The “eating less” diet
A recurring dieting suggestion during history has been that we actually eat less at each meal in order to lose weight. This "diet" didn't grab the imagination and sadly never caught on.