Here’s some things NOT to buy a woman this Christmas

Every year we hear the same story: “She’s never happy with the presents I buy her.” And from her: “He’s useless at gift-shopping”. It's uncanny how men always seem to get it wrong. The trouble is that men are simpler, much more literal creatures than women. He’ll think: “She spends most of her life in the kitchen – I’ll get her a new saucepan.” Or: “She’s always complaining she’s fat – I’ll buy her a book about dieting.” As we women know, it’s not the present (or even the thought) that counts – it’s the image of ourselves the present projects. So the woman who spends her life in the kitchen would like a weekend break, a spa day or ANYTHING to get her out of the kitchen and make her feel she’s attractive enough to warrant a romantic gift or body treatment. And the “fat” woman would appreciate a romantic break or perhaps a flattering top in a slightly-too-small size to make her feel you think she’s slimmer than she really is. My husband once bought me a dressing gown in size 14-16 (whereas I'm a 12) because he thought it would be more comfortable and roomy. That went down like a lead balloon, as you can image.

I once wrote an article for a women’s glossy on the Christmas howlers men had made. Here are some of them.

A mechanical spade. He wanted her to take over the gardening and thought this was the spur she needed.

A Paul Daniels conjuring book. She was a harassed mother and he thought she'd appreciate being able to do magic tricks for the kids.

A highly colourful jumper. This particularly woman received one every year from her husband – who always purloined the rejects and wore them himself.

A drill. Yes, it was what he wanted for Christmas.

A tool kit. She'd just bought an old car that kept breaking down. What she really wanted was for him to fix the car and take her somewhere romantic in it.

A remote control telephone. Right again: he wanted one himself.

A wastepaper basket. Highly practical…..but on the downside, highly practical.

A fire extinguisher for her car. See above.