Am I the only one who hates fancy dress?

We're going to a fancy dress party next week. It'll be full of people who've carelessly teamed old clothing and accessories together to create a totally co-ordinated, themed look. I really envy them.

I'll be agonising long and hard over what to wear. I'm always careful to avoid anything too over-the-top, since if you become miserable or angry during the party you look completely ridiculous when dressed as a clown or a banana. I also prefer to look reasonably attractive rather than go for the Frankenstein mask or full-face beard approach. So basically, I always end up as a tart.

You can't go wrong with a tart's costume. Short skirt, long boots and anything else you want to team with it, plus loads of make-up. And it works with almost any theme. Black and white party? Black mini, black boots. Rock band theme? Easy. A punk tart.

I've tried to be a little more adventurous in the past. I once went to a party as a stick of broccoli, wearing a green skirt and matching top and hat with some curly parsley in the brim. Yes it was rather lame, but arguably better than my friend's costume. She wore tartan trousers and a plain top teamed with Doc Marten boots. "Who are you?" people asked. "I'm Connie Frank." "Er.....who's Connie Frank?" "My friend in Canada. She always dreses like this."

I wish I were more like my husband, who embraces the whole dressing up thing with almost too much enthusiasm. Take for instance the M.A.S.H party where most people dressed in fatigues or camoflage. I, of course, went as a messroom tart. Brian went as a helicopter.

He made himself this elaborate costume with a wooden tailpiece and propellers on his head that cleared the place every time he went on to the dancefloor. Luckily there was bench seating otherwise he wouldn't have been able to sit down to eat.

Then there was the time he dressed as a jolly green giant for a work-related event in Switzerland - complete with Tarzan-style costume that had been elaborately-sewn by himself (funny he can't manage to sew on a button). The whole team even dared each other to travel back in fancy dress. He spent the flight with various kids on his lap being photographed by their parents. "Go and sit with the strange man while I take your picture." "Waaaaah!"

Then there was the time he went to a party with a "cruise ship" theme. Everyone went as a captain, a bathing beauty or a lounge lizard. Not Brian. He went as a deck chair. He made himself a seven-foot wooden frame and sewed a stripey cover through which he inserted his similarly stripey head. Very elaborate and very difficult to manoeuvre. When he walked through the door a German colleague threw a towel over him. And that's not a joke.

The theme next week is 50s and 60s and I'm already scanning ebay for costumes that don't make me look ridiculous, old and fat. I fear a mini-skirted tart seems inevitable.