"Make your gums bleed? That will be 40 quid."

What exactly is a hygienist? Someone who really, really cares about personal hygiene? Or someone who works in the hygiene industry? No, apparently not. It's a shadowy figure in a white coat who emerged about 10 years ago and whose teeth-scraping services we are told we can no longer do without.

Admit it, if you are a fee-paying adult aren't you constantly being urged to see the hygienist whenever you have a dental check-up? And when you finally succumb, does the hygienist ever say to you: "Your teeth look fine, no excruciating scraping required today"? No, of course not. Instead she (and it's always a "she" of about 18 who wanted to be a beauty therapist but who couldn't get on the course) fills your mouth with pointy objects and tut tuts about the plaque, the "pocketing" and other items you never realised you had in your mouth until now.

Another thing I object to is the fact that they poke and prod your gums with metal points and emerge from your mouth all triumphant at the first sight of blood. "There! You're bleeding, that's a sure sign of gum disease!" they say. If I weren't a lady I'd be tempted to nut them one and announce: "There, a broken nose! A definite sign that you're not getting enough calcium!" I mean, what sort of diagnosis depends on drawing blood and causing pain?

And all this for only 40 quid. What a rip-off. Unfortunately the hygienist isn't the only species who has emerged in the last few years to fleece as many of us as they can.

The personal trainer.
"You're too fat. Do some training. Now pay me." Only they spin it out a bit more.

The life coach
"You're boring. Get a life." I could make a fortune doing this.

The speech therapist
Brought in to make slow speakers anxious and their parents paranoid. Nearly all of us learn to speak eventually. And a speech therapist won't help the few who don't.

Colonic irrigation therapist
Frankly weird.